Tuesday, 24 November 2015

Today, I felt some shit

I think I need a moment before bed to get my thoughts straight. Some days you just have to figure things out that have happened throughout the day, you know? For you fear they may stop you sleeping so soundly if you don't - replaying parts of it in your mind.
So I suppose for a mini history. Once upon a time I gave everything I had to another person. Hoping they'd accept me as I am, appreciate all that I'd given and do the same - but things don't always go as you'd hoped they would and I was eventually left broken and angry.
One person managed to cause me more heartbreak than I ever knew was possible. Made me doubt myself and what kind of person I am. Took me for granted, emotionally blackmailed me and made me feel worthless. I took it for too long and over the six year relationship I became bitter. No one has ever stirred up such huge emotion in me and while for a good 2 years I loved him more than anything, he is also the one person that has caused me stress and anger and sadness on such a remarkable level. I reached a point where escape seemed impossible and the only get out I could think of was to remove myself from the face of the planet, and that is when I knew it was now or never. I had to leave.
That was two and a half years ago and I wish that had been the end but it wasn't. I've a good heart (it's true, I really do have one) and I still tried to be civil, from a distance for a time, but it wasn't to be. I realised my life would never be settled and unstressful if he was in any part of it. Changing my number and blocking him on Facebook gave me a sense of freedom at last but still every now and then he would pop up, be it at my mams front door when he knew I was around or a pub he knew I'd be in and I'd feel the upset and anger build immediately. I feel so much resentment towards him that the person I am whenever he is near doesn't feel like the person I am today. I revert back to the sad and scared person I was when I was with him and there's a nasty part of me that lives in that hidden and usually forgotten part of me too.
I still have nightmares about him. I've had panic attacks when seeing him around. I've had panic attacks just because a thought has crossed my mind that I may bump in to him. It's not aided in any way by the fact that I'm always being fed little bits of info about his life. His struggle. When he's doing well and when he's not. That he is sick - when I say sick I mean actually sick but fixable if he changed his lifestyle, which he doesn't so in the back of my mind I'm just waiting to hear that his fight is over, that the alcohol won. And still... I am not heartless. It upsets me. For two years he was the centre of my universe and somewhere in the pile of misery he has become, there lives an old version of him that I hope one day manages to claw it's way back out.
So imagine my heart speed up and my mouth go dry when I turn to enter the doctors waiting room earlier today and come face to face with him, after only having a nightmare about him last week. So I end up sat a seat away from him. I nodded hello and I'm sat trying to hide the fact that I'm already shaking and concentrating on breathing. He asks what I'm here for and I consider not answering but I can smell the alcohol and don't want a scene and I reply that I'm here for a med review and flu jab and and what he's dying of this time (this is an inside joke as he couldn't have a headache without being sure he had a brain tumour or a sore throat without having throat cancer). He asks how the dogs are. He mentions he heard I moved. He asks how my health is. He asks if I'm ready for Christmas. And all the time I am replying and not looking at him and willing the doctor to call one of us in. When I take a glance I see cuts on his face and I feel sad. Drunken fall? Drunken fight? Drunken something I'm sure... He's called in *and breathe* and I realise I'm still shaking.

I leave the doctors office and leave through the waiting room where he's sat again. I nod and say "bye" and as I'm walking (quickly) out I can't help wondering why hes still there. Does he need to go back in? He looks like shit. And upset. I wonder what's happened.

But then he's behind me and it seems he was waiting for me. He asks how I am again. How the doctors went. Says he had rant because his CBT hasn't miraculously cured him in 11 sessions. I find myself straight back in 'lecture mode', telling him not to be ridiculous and all things take time and effort and not to give up and to stop paddying.
He says "I'm sorry, for everything" and his face crumples up and tears fill his eyes and I just tell him "I know, don't". I've seen and heard this a million times before but it has been a while and I'm not sure I know how to handle this situation anymore.
He says "I miss you, I AM sorry". Still, I know, but it won't rewind time and fix anything.
I give him a hug and tell him to look after himself and I truly hope he does and he kisses my head and I consider that hugely inappropriate and he smells like alcohol and every tiny shitty alcohol related memory is right there in my brain at that second. I pull away and I say goodbye and I walk away.

Now I feel good that I'm not in the middle of a panic attack.
I feel sad that he's still in such a bad place.
I feel lucky that I escaped.
I feel sick at the thought of ever falling in love again and having to feel as sad as he makes me.

I feel a lot. And feeling in itself is good because I had a period of time in which I felt nothing at all.

And I think...
I think, I might finally be ok.