If someone gets close I push them away. I make up scenarios in my head of how and why this could go wrong. I pick one that seems the most realistic and then I seem determined to make this scenario a reality.
I don't do it on purpose yet I do it again and again. I recognise that I'm doing it and I just can't stop. I keep pushing and pushing til it breaks.
Because I don't feel good enough. Because my life is hard and I do not want to involve anyone else in this fight and in my sadness. I don't want extra people to care about me because they're just extra people to hurt and be sad and I do not want to be the reason for someone else's unhappiness.
A quote from the book 'the fault in our stars' rang so true with me that it made me cry.
"I'm like a grenade mum. One day I am going to go off and I'd like to minimise the casualties ok".
When I'm poorly I am tired. I am lazy. I am not in the mood to talk. I do not want to go out for tea. I don't even want to cook tea. I don't want to wash up or drag out the hoover or get out the duster. I just want to work, come home and lie down with my dogs.
Who wants to live like that? Who would ever want to put up with this person? This person who is bitter and angry and lacking all happiness.
Because of that I cannot pursue anything. I fear I will be left alone. I do not want to let people in and get attached to people who are going to leave me.
Whilst I know that those people arent worth it and someone that I actually meant the world to would stick around, I do not want to have to go through the heart ache of taking down these barriers to find that it's been for someone who is leaving.
My heart broke once before and whilst I am over him, I am far from over the situation. Thoughts, memories and even just seeing him brings on a panic attack. It is the ONLY thing that brings on a panic attack . It is the only thing that wakes me up crying after I've dreamt about it and the only thing that can get me so very angry and upset all at the same time. I've never felt anger like it. I never understood the term 'seeing red' but now I do. It comes on so hard and fast that I am completely out of control.
Once, I loved someone so much. So much that for the first time in my life I wanted to be with that person for the rest of my life and only him. I wanted to sleep next to him every night and wake up with him every morning. I couldn't get close enough to him no matter how much I squished myself in. Everything about him made me smile which radiated from the inside out. He was far from perfect and I knew that but I thought he was perfect for me.
Turns out that he wasn't. I had my disease and he had issues of his own. I couldnt fix him. I wasn't enough no matter how much I tried and no matter how hard I loved.
If I was talking to someone else then I know what I would say.
You deserve to be happy, to be loved and cared for and treat like a princess. You deserve to feel special and beautiful and one day someone will come along and make you feel that way and you'll just know.
But I'm not sure I will because I can't stop pushing. I'm not sure that I can let someone in enough to find out how happy they can make me for fear of feeling the same about another person as I do about one already. The panic and the fear I cannot even describe. It's completely beyond words.
To be frank I am unsure where I go from here.