So here's the thing, recently I did something REALLY stupid...
So why am I telling you now?
Well that's because it's all over and I know that I am ok. Had the outcome been different I'm unsure whether I would be telling you at all.
People come to me and know that I can be trusted to the ends of the earth. People open up to me and I appreciate that. I really like being the person that my friends know that they can count on to always be there, listen and keep their secrets. I am more often than not the voice of reason and the one that will just tell you how it is.
For some reason though I seem to be incapable of doing the same thing. Opening up. Sharing my thoughts. Being supported and cared about. I barely talk about anything that matters normally and I think maybe I don't know how.
I don't feel fear very often. For 8 years I have been ill. I've had 6 operations, a miscarriage and a massively destructive relationship and in all that time, fear is not something that I've very often felt.
So imagine my surprise when I recently found myself really really scared!
I had a cervical and uterine cancer scare. Over the last few weeks I have attended multiple appointments and undergone numerous tests and the whole time I have not told one person about it.
Ordinarily I tell my mum every tiny aspect of my life but not this. I didn't just not tell her, I outright lied about it, as I have to all of my friends, family and work colleagues.
Maybe because I knew it was going to take a few weeks to go through everything and I didn't want people to worry. Maybe because I didn't want people to ask me how I am and have to admit that I am scared. Maybe because I didnt want people to constantly ask what is going on now and having to answer the same questions over and over again.
There were times when I tried to tell my mum, the day after my first appointment for example but a lump appeared in my throat and I just couldn't get the words out! Two days after that as I was planning on opening up, tears filled my eyes and I changed my mind.
The day after I was skyping a friend who has shared a lot of her journey with me and I thought maybe I could do it but I couldn't.
So many times its been on the tip of my tongue but it's just not come out and every time I failed I felt dissapointed in myself because I knew that I didn't need to go through it alone.
I roped the belly group admin into doing a #smearforsmear pic and at that moment they unknowingly made me feel supported. Not really because of the cause but because I asked them to do something with me/for me and they did.
So today I have the all clear, I've got a cervical ectropion which needs Cryocautery (freezing to destroy the abnormal tissue).
Clear is of course fantastic news but I am so angry with myself for being so stubborn that I didn't tell anybody. I am so angry that for the last 6 weeks I have gone through hell emotionally and not opened up to anybody when I know that I have people in my life that I could have spoken to! I am so angry at me and the way I always am.
Firstly, to the people who have sent me messages and got no response, I am sorry. There is really no excuse for my rudeness.
To my friends - I am really sorry I let you down. And I think (I hope) I've learnt my lesson! I'm sorry for being such a useless fuck wit and I'll try not to do it again.
I can't make a promise that I do not know I can keep but I can promise that I will try.
I will try with everything I have got to start letting people in.
I will try to share things with the people that care about me.