Sunday, 15 February 2015

A story of love (and the universe)

Once upon a time a girl loved a guy. She would have given him the world had he asked for it.
She had already devoted her own to make him happy in the hope that one day he would do the same.
He failed to notice that he was the centre of her universe and went about his life dedicating his world to himself.
He didn't keep the world she had given him turning. He didn't notice as her universe began to collapse until eventually all that was left was a black hole.
She had her world but it no longer belonged to him so she packed it up along with her universe and left.
He asked her to return. He promised her the world, the moon, the sun and the stars. But it was too late.
She rebuilt her universe around herself.
She replied "Do not promise me the world, for I have my own".

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

In a world where illness didn't exist, all would be well... Right?

It's easy to blame a life changing illness for ruining your life but where would you be without it?

In a life where I wasn't diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis at the tender age of 19 where would I be?

Well I can hazard a pretty good guess and it would be far from Pretty.

I was on a slippery slope of drinking too much and accepting things from my partner that I shouldn't have put up with. I was a complete arsehole with my mum and I didn't care about anyone or anything other than myself.

I went to work all week and spent my time at home hiding out in the bedroom, usually having a drink, watching TV and all the rest of my time in the pub.

I drank too much, I smoked too much, I took drugs too much, I swore too much and I didn't give a shit enough.

IBD saved me from myself.

I am strong now because I have been weak before and I didn't like it.

I am happy now because I have have experienced heart wrenching sadness before and I didn't like it.

I laugh a lot now because I have cried so hard before and I didn't like it.

I live each day now because I have been so close to death before and I didn't like it.

I am brave now because I have experienced so much hurt before and I didn't like it.

I am confident now because I have been so uncomfortable in my own skin before and I did not like it.

I care a lot now because I have mistreated people and isolated myself before and I didn't like it.

I have a lot of love to give now because I used to hate the world before I didn't like it.

I am grateful for every day I have now because I've wasted so many before and I didn't like it.

My name is Sahara Fleetwood-Beresford. I smoke too much, I swear too much and I give a shit a lot.

Monday, 2 February 2015

If you died tomorrow could you say that you'd made the most of today?

It's easier said than done to live every day as though it were your last. It would mean telling the people you love every single day that you love them.
It would mean eating ALL of your favourite food.
It would mean laughing all day long and not having a bad thought or sad moment.
It would mean telling your friends all of the gossip as and when it happens.
It would mean that your actions had no consequences.

Let's face it, we aren't going to do that but what we can do is make sure that everyone we love does know about it every single day. I don't mean you have to call or text them every day with those 3 little words but just by being there throughout the good and the bad times and making sure they know that you're always there.

Don't take people that matter to you for granted. They've stuck around because they want to be there so let them and make sure they know that they are wanted there too.

If you get the chance to do something nice for someone then do it.

If a friend says they need to talk, don't be too tired and call tomorrow because they need you today.

If you have a crush on someone and you don't know if they feel the same way then tell them. It could be the beginning of something beautiful. If it isn't at least you'll not be left wondering what if.

If you want to be with someone but something is standing in your way, whether it be fear of getting hurt, risking failure or even another person, screw it, just do it.

People that make you happy are not something that you come across every day. You can't just find another one. They're precious and rare. Do everyting withing your power to keep them.

Happiness is what keeps you going. Faith in other people rather than just yourself. Faith in yourself alone will just leave you lonely and the people that you care about will be lonely too.

If something makes you unhappy then cut it out. Unhappiness is like a cancer. It may start small but the longer it is not dealt with the bigger it becomes.

Don't let anger and resentment fill your time. What's done is done and nothing you can do will ever reverse the past but you can't let it ruin your future. Don't give anyone or anything the power to cause you pain.

Don't let the negative actions of some taint your view of others. Yes there are some bad people but there are also great people and you will never differentiate between the two if you don't give people a chance.

Don't let the bad things that have happened to you rule your head. Your thoughts are your own and they are unique. Mould them into lessons learned and take what you need from them and the scrap the rest.

Don't work in a job that your heart is not in because you spend so much of your life there!

Never regret anything that you've done because at the time it was the right thing to do for you, otherwise you wouldnt have done it.

Trust in yourself to make your own decisions. You will make mistakes but you will make them in a way that only you can.

Don't cry for yesterday when you can live for today.

Don't surrender to the ideas and thoughts of others when the pressure is on. Stand up for yourself and what you believe is right.

Live your life as you see fit because no one can live it for you. There are no right and wrong choices, there are only yours.

Keep the faith.
Forget the sorrow.
Feel the love.
Believe in tomorrow.

Live your life in the way only you know how.

Sunday, 1 February 2015

This is your life

*Alarm goes off*
Snooze twice.

Wake up still feeling exhausted.

Go to the toilet.

Wash, go through a stupidly long routine of applying different creams and mixing drinks and taking tablets.

Go to the toilet.

Go to work. Half of the days passing in an opiate blurr, the other half on autopilot being drained by fatigue. Half of the time remembering to mix mid day drinks and the other half completely oblivious to the fact that that was even necessary.

Get up numerous times to go to the toilet.

Arrive home, often after what is usually a traumatic shopping trip due to having to come in to contact with people and spend stupid money on barely any items.

Go to the toilet.

Tea time is a toss up between, eat what you fancy and eat what you're allowed and more meds.

Go to the toilet.

Fight the urge to sleep and try to concentrate on something vaguely important or productive for the evening.

Go to the toilet.

Bed time. Mix up another drink, take more tablets, wash and apply the same creams as the morning routine, go to the toilet, stick things in places they shouldn't be stuck and fuck off to bed.

Lay awake due to pain, medications or irrelevant thoughts.

Get up numerous times to go to the toilet.

Wait for alarm and repeat.

- Sahara Fleetwood-Beresford, this is your life.

Sometimes the world is just too loud

I am not much of a social butterfly at the best of times but I even refuse to leave the house without wearing headphones in the hope that it will deter people from trying to start some form of communication with me.

Headphones are my lifeline. My 'go to' relief when I need to destress on an ordinary day. On the way to work they make the journey feel shorter and they wake me up and help me feel prepared and ready for the day ahead. When I'm cleaning they make the task much easier (although longer as I dance with the hoover).

Sometimes the world is just too loud.

Sometimes even in a silent room my thoughts are deafening.

It's worse when I'm poorly. I'm not a good talker so I just cut off. It's not because I have no one to talk to because I do, I just don't.

I don't know where to start or whether I'll make it to the end. I don't know if I can share my thoughts and bare that part of me to someone. I can't deal with sympathy from people or pity.

So today I am going to turn up the volume, drown out the noise of life and just dance.